Richie ´´Ball-Lover´´ Marcus' (Late) Birthday Extravaganza
So I was gonna finish this and submit it before my birthday, but Bethesda held a gun to my head and made me play Skyrim for 8 days straight. So fuck it, I submit it naow.
>Hooray, my birthday’s here. A fantastic time where I get money and stuff for doing absolutely nothing. And on top of that Halloween’s right around the corner, so I can get free candy too. Wait a sec, if I was born in October, that means I was conceived somewhere around Valentine’s Day. God dammit, I’m a Valentine’s Day baby! Jesusshitfuckassbastardmeatcrob
So anyways, I decided to organize a party with all my friends for my birthday. So I rented a spot at the local bowling alley, ordered a big-ass ice cream cake (coincidentally shaped like a giant ass), and got a dozen pizzas from Pizza Hut. Only problem is no one came. It then occurred to me that I never invited any of my friends because I didn’t have any friends. #FrownyFaic:(
After crying my eyes out and masturbating (at the same time, of course), I then decided to go trick-or-treating for my birthday. Granted my birthday was a week before Halloween, but I didn’t care. The world owed me something, ‘cause I’m special and everyone else has to follow the rules except me.
So I rummaged through my closet for my skimpy nurse outfit, only realizing after 10 minutes that it was disintegrated when Burning Torrent and I went to that Dethklok concert (thanks a lot, by the way, BT). Stumbling into the dining room table, I fell to the ground and was buried underneath all the uneaten pizza. The unusual combination of mushrooms, pepperoni, chicken, and gummi bears forced a change in my DNA cellular structure, and I was instantly transformed into Pizza Man!
LOL not really. The scalding hot cheese burned away my flesh. After flailing around for about 3.23 minutes (my stopwatch got stolen by a junkie so he could sell it to buy drugs, okay), I ran into the bathroom to wash my face. But when I looked up into the mirror, I saw that I didn’t have a face anymore. I was hideously deformed. I screamed, you screamed, we all screamed for ice cream. But then a thought occurred to me. I smiled in the mirror as I realized I had my Halloween costume now!
So I grabbed an extra large garbage bag and ran outside to start my trick-or-treating. I started at the neighbor’s house next door.
Knock Knock Knock* “Trick-or-treat.” *Knock Knock Knock* “Trick-or-treat.” *Knock Knock Knock* “Trick-or-treat.”
A middle-aged man answered the door. “Trick-or-treat!”
“Nice try, kid. Halloween isn't until next week.” He replied.
“Ehhhh...that’s okay with me.”
“Well I don’t have any tricks-or-treats, so get lost.” And then he slammed the door in my face.
“Damn sonofabitch!” I shouted, kicking the door repeatedly.
So I tried the next house over. *Knock Knock Knock* “Trick-or-treat.” *Knock Knock Knock* “Trick-or-treat.” *Knock Knock Knock* “Trick-or-treat.”
An elderly lady answered the door. “Trick-or-treat!”
“Oh is it trick-or-treat day already? Time certainly does fly.”
“Yeah yeah whatever, just gimme some candy.”
She grabbed an orange prescription bottle filled with unidentified pills and tossed them into my bag (uh-huh-huh-huh-huh, ‘bag’). “What are these, Tic Tacs?”
“No deary, those are Prune Flavored Old Lady Candies. They’ve been my favorite since I was a child. Why, back in the 40’s-”
“Yeah that’s nice, bye.”
I ran to the next house as the lady rambled on.
I knocked on the third house’s door. *Knock Knock Knock* “Trick-or-treat.” *Knock Knock Knock* “Trick-or-treat.” *Knock Knock Knock* “Trick-or-treat.”
A middle-aged woman answered the door. “Trick-or-treat.”
“Nice costume.” She said sarcastically. “Where’d you get it, the local pharmacy?”
“Hey, I’ll have you know this isn’t no costume. I have to walk around like this the rest of my life. And anyways, I would never get too desperate to go shopping for a Halloween costume at a pharmacy. Bitch.” I threw up an East Side gang sign to show her I was hella dope as fuck.
She reached into her pocket and grabbed a bottle of pepper spray and proceeded to spray me in the eyes. I fell backwards off the front steps and began flailing around on the ground. When it was all over, I lie on the ground, almost near-death. The annoying beeping sound indicated I was at 1 HP.
Then this yellow and red bus drove up the street. It was blaring catchy music as an old guy danced on the roof. Then who was bus? No matter, my Destiny needed to be fulfilled. So I lept into the bus without a second thought.
A regrettable decision on my part.
It was only after the bus stopped in a dark alley that I noticed the lyrics to the music:
“Jump into my rape bus.
Get aboard the rape bus.
Come on get in the rape bus.
I don’t have all fucking day-ay.
Get into my rape bus.
Climb into the rape bus.
Come on get in the rape bus.
Get in the rape bus now.
The old man climbed into the bus and ripped his face off, revealing a demonically possessed Michael Jackson.
Quickly, I pulled my emergency Bowie knife from my sock and threw it at him. Unfortunately, he had studied the Matrix and saw the movies over a hundred times and dodged it. The knife broke through the front window and stabbed Bad Luck Brian, who had just so happened to be walking by.
“Ahhh, I am slain.” He cried out in a monotone voice as he fell to the ground dead.
As MJ grew closer, I could only pinch myself to make sure this wasn’t a dream. That’s what creepypastas are all about, right? Right? No? Well shit, guess I need to scrap a half-dozen of my creepypastas.
Just as I was about to lose my black cherry, Doomguy came crashing through the roof of the bus. “RIP AND TEAR! RIP AND TEAR! YOU’RE HUGE! THAT MEANS YOU HAVE HUGE GUTS!” He shouted. The demonic Michael Jackson took to the air as the skies darkened. Doomguy pulled out his BFG 9000.
“NOOOOO!! NOT THE BFG 9000!!! MY ONLY WEAKNESS!!!” MJ boomed in a demonic voice.
Doomguy fired the BFG and it hit MJ and it blew him up or something. I didn’t notice, since I busy trying to clean up the mess I had made when my bowels evacuated into my pants and it was all gooshy and smelly FOR FUCK’S SAKE I SHIT MYSELF, OKAY.
MJ was sent careening off into the night sky. “Looks like Team Rocket’s blasting off again!” We heard him scream.
“Glad that’s over with.” I said, immediately realizing things never go right when you say that.
A demonic portal opened up in the middle of Detroit, bringing with it the Raiders of the A-pok-a-klypse. A giant TV monitor appeared in front of us. That dude from the Saw movies was on-screen. “Welcome to Canada, Frylock.” He said. “Beside you stands your personal hero, John Romero. You now have a kitchen gun in your hands. Do the math.”
“NO! FUCK YOU!!! I WON’T DO IT!! I DON’T CARE IF I HAVE TO KILL JOHN ROMERO TO WIN THE GAME!” And then I fired the Kitchen Gun at the screen.
Kitchen Gun! BANG BANG BANG!!!*
And then the portal to Hell closed and all the demon’s dieded. Lazy Game Reviewer descended from the heavens and said unto me, “Good job, you’re winner! Let’s have a party!”
Dale Gribble said, “How about a fun filled day at Six Flags? We can ride the roller coasters and give ‘em the finger when they take our picture!”
So the five of us got back in the bus and drove to Six Flags Detroit. Only the park wasn’t open because it was October and the season was over.
“This reminds me of that movie, National Lampoon’s Vacation.” LGR said.
“Don’t worry guise, I got this.” John Romero opened his laptop and hacked into the Six Flags mainframe ‘cause he’s a 1337 super-hacker. So we rode the rides and gave the cameras the finger ‘cause fuck da police.
De Enn.
About Teh Author
I'm just an asshole.